what if..

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

and the show ( still ) must go on..

"everything is alright?"
"not at all.."

jelas udah lebih dari dua minggu pasca masalah yg ga ngenakin kemaren.
gue masih berpikir apa yg sebenernya pingin gue lakuin sekarang?
kaya nya udah lebih dari dua kali gue berusaha buat move on, tp final result nya tetep aja nol besar. gue masih sering ngelakuin hal konyol yg sebenernya ga penting dan ga perlu gue lakuin lagi sekarang. termasuk appear online to one contact.
masalah nya sekarang yg ada dalem pikiran gue justru cuma dia.
andai copas statement jaman sekarang, loe lagi loe lagi, pasti itu yg bakal sering gue ucapin. sebenernya gue ga perlu pusing2 cari jawaban nya, bego kalo gue mesti phone a friend cuma buat ngejawab pertanyaan gampang kaya gitu.
ya jelas, desktop gue aja masih majang photo hasil jepretan dia, gimana ga setiap turn on laptop gue keinget dia?

yayaya. maybe lo bakal ngetawain gue, secara gue juga nganggep hal yg gue lakuin ini kontras bgt sama apa yg pertanyaan gue tadi.
gue sebenernya heran, ga ngerti, ga paham, tapi lebih banyak ga ikhlas nya. kenapa sekarang hubungan gue dgn dia jauh dari kesan akor. padahal kita udah sama2 gede, at least ga perlu jd kaya anak sekolah yg jauh2an, parahnya musuh2an kalo abis bubar.

yak. not at all yg gue maksut ya ini.
awal nya gue masih berusaha comfort2in *halaaa..maksa. berada di posisi super duper ga enak kaya gini.
mbayangin nya aja gue ga pernah. apalagi harus nyadar kalo ini udah kejadian. buat waktu buat berdamai dgn perasaan.

gue ga sayang lo lagi, itu SALAH. tapi kalo gue ga bisa dgn lo lagi, itu BENER.
at the end, i just try to be realistic. i can't stay beside him. i can't ask him to stay beside me. i just can't.

well. itu yg ada dalem pikiran gue.. kemaren2..
but, today..
gue selalu ga negrti kenapa tiap masalah mesti diselesaikan dgn adanya "space"?
oyea. kalo gue pikir2 ini malah nambah masalah baru.
na na na na du du du du. dan ini kejadian sama gue.
omigot. kenapa yg nama nya cowo itu selalu bersikap sok idealis. gue ga meng-generalisasikan. tapi, in this case, gue rasa semua cowo maybe bakal gini2 juga.

hhh.. secara teknis resmi udah gue kehilangan satu sahabat terbaik yg pernah gue punya.
sebenernya sih ga gitu2 amat, gue rasa dia bakalan tetep mau bantuin gue kalo gue perlu, tapi mungkin ga whenever and wherever like he did before.
padahal gue sendiri niat udah ga mempermasalahkan kejadian itu. tapi jelas kentara banget efek dari nih masalah. GOSH.

huaaaa.
dulu setiap gue bermasalah sama pacar, dia jd org pertama yg gue cari. walopun kadang ga ada nasehat dia yg nyantol di otak gue, se enggak nya gue bisa numpang ngamuk2 bentar.
i have tried.. and still trying to..
kalo lo pikir gue ga berusaha bikin hubungan gue ga terus2an frozen moment gini, LO SALAH BESAR.
send sms, buzz YM. tapi ko feel nya ga dapet yaa? berasa garing, banget. seolah2 gue mesti punya alasan urgent baru boleh contact dia. alhasil gue jd bingung buat ngehubungin nih anak. pernah sekali gue nyoba nelpon, di angkat tp gue nya ga bisa ngomong. catet ga bisa ngomong. bukan ga berani. dan dia? ga ada nanya2 nya? seolah2 itu cuma accident doang. gue ga sengaja kepencet atau apalah.
sms puasa gue pun ga ada di bales sampe sekarang. inti nya gue loose *not lost contact. entah disengaja atau nggak? i really don't know.

whatever lah.
gue cuma berharap, nih anak baek2 aja.
kalo pun dia emang ga mau makan, gue berharapnya dia ngelakuin nya karena lagi pengen diet. itu aja.
gue cukup seneng liat dua hasil jepretan nya yg kemaren sempet dikasih liat sama gue, kepilih jadi FPE.
se enggak nya, gue seneng, masih ada rasa bangga di diri gue.
bangga buat apa? buat dia, dan buat gue. bangga, karena finally, gue ngerasa masih belum perlu menjual kenangan..

Standing still.

Kesentil sama pernyataan gue sendiri,
I'm single but not available.

kenapa gue ga bisa move on seperti sebelum2 nya?
ada yang special? i'm not sure, ketemu aja belom. so, karena apa? gue juga masih ga ngerti dan ga peduli kenapa gue berada diposisi yang sekarang.
gue ga terlalu care, karena gue sendiri ga merasa terbebani dgn kondisi gue saat ini. gue menghargai pilihan hati. bukan karena diperbudak perasaan, gue cuma memberikan chance buat hati gue untuk menentukan pilihan nya.

Just because everything is different, it doesn't mean that everything has changed.

walaupun secara lable gue dan dia udah ga in a relationship lagi, but He is still loves me more than enough. makanya, waktu yang ada sekarang gue anggep sbg waktu pembelajaran, buat berfikir jauh lebih dewasa sebelum memutuskan untuk mengambil tindakan.

I'm always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it well..

mungkin gue terlalu ikut emosi kemaren, ga mau dgr alasan apapun tapi skrg gue sendiri yang ngerasain efek nya. makanya, skrg gue "belajar" dari pengalaman, supaya next time gue ga kejebak lagi sama yg nama nya emosi brengsek. *oops!
hehehe..

Everyone that never change their opinion, never correct their mistake, and will never be wiser on the morrow than they are today.

setuju??? :P

My Playlist

D'cinnamons - Loving you

Loving you it hurt sometimes
I'm standing here you just don't bye
I'm always there you just don't feel
Or you just don't wanna feel
Don't wanna be hurt that way
It doesn't mean I'm givin' up
I wanna give you more
And more and more'

Mario - Let me love you

You should let me love you
Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need
Baby good love and protection
Make me your selection
Show you the way love's supposed to be
Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you

India arie - Can i walk with you

Can I walk with you through your life
Can I lay with you as your wife
Can I be your friend till the end
Can I walk with you through your life

Vanessa carlton - A thousand miles

And I need you
And I missed you
And now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
Tonight

Tohpati ft Sutha - Senandung rindu

Aku bernyanyi di dalam hati
Senandung rindu kepadamu pujaanku
Bila kah nanti kau kan mengerti
Maksud hatiku untuk saling memiliki

The click five - Jenny

First you say you won't
Then you say you will
You keep me hanging on,
And we're not moving on
We're standing still, Jenny
You've got me on my knees
Jenny
It's killing me

Anda - Tentang seseorang

berjalan pada satu
tanya slalu menggangguku
seseorang itukah dirimu kasih

Amanda marshall - I'll be okay

I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the memories
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don't want it to

MLTR - That's why ( you go away )

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

Hugh grant - Way back into love

All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Andra and the backbone - Hitamku

maafkan kata yang tlah terucap
akan kuhapus jika kumampu
andai kudapat meyakinkanmu
kuhapus hitamku

Daniel powter - Love you lately

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me, we got this great thing.
So come back, get here, sit down. Relax.
Everything's to see that you've come a long, long way,
And it's the place that you should be.